No.14

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I first came across the following monologue when I was in the RAF and I was a member of the station concert party. Leonard Lewis, who later became a well known TV drama producer and for a time was executive producer of Eastenders, took an important part in our shows and audiences loved when he appeared in butler attire with a white towel over his arm and a silver plate in his hand, to perform -

If you'll pardon my saying so

(Watkins the family butler addresses the young master who is still abed)

A lady to see you, Mr. Archibald, sir.

The matter appears to be pressing.

Luncheon was served quite an hour ago,

I didn’t awaken you, sir, as you know,

There are times, sir, when sleep is a blessing.

I have here some ice, sir, to put on your head,

And also a whisky and 'polly'.

I don't know what time you retired to bed,

But the party sir, must have been jolly -

- If you'll pardon my saying so.

The lady in question awaiting below,

Is accompanied, sir, by her mother,

And also a prize-fighting gentleman, sir,

A pugnacious character one might infer,

Whom the lady describes as her brother.

The elderly female is quite commonplace,

A most vulgar person, I fear, sir,

Who shouts in a nerve wracking falsetto voice,

And her language is painful to hear, sir -

- If you'll pardon my saying so.

The prize-fighter person is burning with hate.

He refers to you, sir, as a 'twister.'

He threatens to alter the shape of your 'clock,'

To break you in half, sir, and knock off your 'block,'

Unless you do right by his sister.

The young lady says, sir, with trembling lips,

That you made her a promise of marriage.

She wants to know why she should eat fish and chips,

While you, sir, ride by in your carriage -

- If you'll pardon me saying so.

Sir John has a dreadful attack of the gout,

He is fuming to beat all creation.

My lady, your mother, is up in the air.

She is having hysterics and tearing her hair,

And borders on nervous prostration.

Would you wish me to pack your portmanteau at once,

And look up the times of the trains, sir?

Or perhaps you would rather I brought you a drink,

And a pistol to blow out your brains, sir -

- If you'll pardon my saying so.  

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There had been a very heavy fall of snow during the night and on Christmas morning only two people turned up for the church service - Farmer Giles and the Vicar.

The Vicar shaking his head sadly said, "Well, there's no point of having a service for just one person; let's go home."

"No, I don't agree," replied Farmer Giles, "If only one cow turns up to be fed, I still feed it."

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Glen Coe, Scotland

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Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day
by William Shakespeare 

Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And Summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And oft is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd:
But thy eternal Summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag thou wanderest in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

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"They think I look good in this. Who do they think they're kidding?"

Next post - Friday

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